The closer I came to age 50, the louder my biological clock ticked! Up to age 47, I’d accepted life as being as good as it was going to get. Which is sad because I definitely wasn’t happy! I went from an entire life of acceptance (which included accepting both things and people who were definitely not good for me), to OMG, “I’ve wasted so much time trying to fit in to places I didn’t belong!”. It was time to not only become who I was meant to be, but to also set boundaries in my life and expect better treatment than I had been receiving. That including treating MYSELF better. I started taking baby steps forward at age 47, determined to have some major changes in my life by 50!
It was this slow death that got my clock ticking so loud that it was hard to sleep at night! I was tired of agreeing with people outwardly, but my mind and heart were saying something didn’t feel right. Or saying yes when I really wanted to say no because I was afraid of what you would think. Or agreeing to accept a job or a relationship just because something was better than nothing. All of a sudden, I was in a rush to make serious changes in my life BEFORE the age of 50. Something about that magic number just felt right. I think it’s similar to when the woman’s biological clock starts ticking and she feels the need to get married and have children. I can only guess this is what it feels like because my clock was dormant at that time, lol..Something just felt inherently wrong about going into the second half of my life being as unhappy as I was in the first. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew it was right.
I’ve definitely been a misfit my entire life. When I was younger, I thought it was a bad thing. At 50, it is LIBERATING to be comfortable in my own skin, not pretending to go along with the crowd and not afraid to speak my mind. I find it sad that people are afraid to stand up for themselves not only in the workplace, but especially in relationships! I am fine these days with saying, let’s just agree to disagree. Or, “I’m not going to accept how you are treating me”. That even includes if I am related to you. Neither a ring, nor a relationship (or even a status) gives anyone the right to disrespect me. It was many years before I learned that we teach people how to treat us. I also had to learn how to treat others better as well. Growing up in a dysfunctional family had its challenges, and in my younger years I also didn’t treat people with the respect THEY deserved as well. It was not until I joined the support group Al-Anon, that I learned this lesson. That, however, is a blog for another day. For now I will just say I have better relationships with everyone around me, because of this support group.
The blog photo was taken on my 50th birthday last month. I love how 50 looks on me! I’m in the process of writing a new chapter in my life and it feels good!