Abide

Abide

When I was no longer able to abide by my own rules of engagement previously set forth in my marriage, it was time to end it. It took a while for the reality to sink in, but eventually I noticed actions weren’t in alignment with words. The words were nothing but empty promises, said to contain the situation in that present moment. If the other person isn’t interested in making it work, there is nothing that can be done. One person can’t work hard enough to fix a failing marraige, or at least I couldn’t. Eventually I decided enough was enough.  I thought leaving would be harder and considered that possibility for years longer than I should have. Now I realize everything is really about perception. It was pointed out to me that it was actually HARDER to remain in a troubled marriage as long as I did. If I were strong enough to do that, I was strong enough to overcome the challenges associated with my departure. I am often grateful for things that make you go hmmmm! I didn’t even consider the strength it took to stay.

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Sometimes we wait for the other person to make the decision to leave, and choose to stay as long as it takes them to make that decision.  Are we just biding time due to fear (future events appearing real), or perhaps mentally  and emotionally preparing for the inevitable? I’d been married before, and I hadn’t been a very good wife. I realized that and was determined to give it all I had and more if I ever entered into a marital contract once again. I did, and it still wasn’t good enough. I take comfort in knowing I gave all I had, and more the second time around.

Just my personal opinion that while being a mother is hard, being married is ten times harder. Life changes after I DO’s are said, and they sometimes become I DON’T or WON’T as difficulties arise. I just assumed no matter what happened that we would work it out  together. I assumed that was how things were done once a commitment was made.  It might just be me, but if I have no plans to give 100%, I won’t even bother. Why waste someone else’s time, and even more importantly, why waste my own?

Sometimes it takes me a while to come to a decision because I need to come up with every possible scenario and how I will respond to each one but when I finally do I like to rip the band-aid off and move on!  Life started happening slowly but surely a year after we were married. I had no choice but to grow up. Once I did, I no longer fit into his box. It was ok to disappoint  him, there wasn’t room for three of us in the box anyway.

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