When I finally removed the blinders and acknowledged problems in my relationship, I thought the issues were all his fault. As I ventured through the stages of grief ( denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), I realized I had a part in the demise of my marriage (it takes two to tangle!). Along with the usual baggage from my past, I showed up at the alter with a huge luggage of expectations. I kept it hidden, only unlocking it in cases of emergency during the volatile marriage. I never completely unpacked it as I should have.
The biggest lesson learned from failed relationships (for me) is that someone can’t give me something they don’t have (and quite possibly never even received). I myself was never educated on the core values of relationships, didn’t participate in pre-marital counseling (which would have brought up critical topics I didn’t know needed to be discussed), and certainly didn’t discuss finances which was a huge mistake because according to research, the number one cause of divorce (in North America) is money fights and money problems.
The reality of my situation is that we were unequally yoked. We both grew up in dysfunctional homes, and he couldn’t be the man he never learned to be, unless he made a conscious effort to leave the old ways of doing things behind like I chose too. Once I know better, it’s important for me to do better (in all areas of my life). The honeymoon was over so I unpacked my luggage choosing to refill it with reality, raised my levels of expectation of him as a husband, as well as mine as a wife. As a result, my marriage fell apart. I have no regrets, however, as living a lie takes a lot more energy than it does to accept things as they are and move forward into growth. For me, there IS life after divorce! It’s all about making the right choices.